Spirituality and the Morality of Sex and Promiscuity

Myths abound surrounding the topics of sex, promiscuity, and spirituality.

Consider this anonymous feedback we received from “Emily”: “So two guys who obviously aren’t into commitment write about what a less-than-desirable ideal sexual commitment is, with no thought of feeding the kids. How very cool. Strong families are the bedrock for a strong city or state or nation. We must rise above promiscuity in order to achieve greater things and optimum survival for all. That’s what ethics is all about. The more preoccupied people become with sex, the less productive and less able they are to achieve spiritual, intellectual growth, and this would also apply to cities, states and nations. Therefore, this is not only about better survival for individuals, but also for our society and for all mankind.”

We have always promoted a healthy, responsible, and honest approach to dating, sex, and relationships. Clearly, this person is misrepresenting our writings.

The definition of “promiscuous,” according to Merriam-Webster dictionary, is “having many sexual partners.” Everyone has a different idea about how many sexual partners in a lifetime would put them in the “promiscuous” category.

Also, it’s important to note that the word promiscuous is also defined as “without discrimination,” as if one would sleep with anyone, anytime, no matter what. We believe that’s unhealthy and don’t advocate doing it. For this article, we define promiscuous as not limiting yourself to one partner, while being honest, safe, selective, cautious, and responsible.

“A promiscuous person is a person who is getting more sex than you are.” Victor Lownes

It’s shocking that someone would attempt to control the behavior of consenting adults–strangers they don’t even know–though it shouldn’t be if you consider how many control-freak busybodies there are in this world (e.g., bureaucrats, politicians, and lobbyists with a moral superiority complex). “Morals” are subjective and a judgmental, puritanical attitude is about as far from being spiritual as you can get.

“Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.” Aldous Huxley

“Rising above promiscuity” has nothing to do with “achieving greater things and (the) optimum survival for all.” In fact, repressing your sexual urges can be dangerous because it results in perversion. There’s nothing wrong with consensual sex between adults, and a healthy sex life doesn’t diminish productivity or spiritual and intellectual growth–in fact it can absolutely enhance it once you get over your sexual hang-ups.

Mutually satisfying sex with one person exclusively over the course of a lifetime is a nice thought, but unfortunately it’s extraordinarily rare and pure fantasy for most people. When the sexual attraction dies (often after two to seven years) you can remain companions, but if that’s not fulfilling enough for you, do you really prefer a slow, inner death, just to prove to everyone your relationship can last 50 years? Attention all couples: more communication and honesty about this topic will decrease the risk of secret affairs.

Emily’s comment about, “no thought of feeding the kids,” is absolutely ironic because we are staunch advocates of putting the child first (i.e., creating a child contract rather than a marriage contract–we write about that concept previous articles), instead of the selfish needs of two unhappy adults who are trying, unsuccessfully, to conform to the nearly impossible expectations and demands of traditional marriage.

“Ethics” is all about transparency and honesty-a person can be monogamous or non-monogamous and still be ethical. The problem is when one is deceitful, such as when a married person cheats (and statistics show at least 50% of married people do cheat).

The survival and advancement of society and mankind requires, in part, productivity, responsibility, and integrity. It’s thwarted by unhappy people in sexless marriages, attempting to permanently uphold the fantasy of the nuclear family. An approximate 60% divorce rate, in addition to countless unhappy couples attempting to “make it work,” suggests that the prevailing marriage model is absolutely dysfunctional.

It’s okay to have believed the myth about promiscuity being evil; its perfectly acceptable and natural to have many sexual partners over the course of your life, as long as you are responsible, safe, and respectful.

Copyright © 2014 Scott Petullo, Stephen Petullo

Keep the Sex Away and He’ll Keep Coming Your Way

When a man really has the hots for you, he’ll be motivated to please you. Men live to please women, that is a fact.

Women often forget this and turn the tables around trying to “get” men, however, it is because they do not understand how men work.

If you can understand a man’s ego, how fragile it is and how much he desires to please a woman, then you’ll know how to be successful with men.

The key is this: be fun, unique, authentic, independent and unpredictable then show a man a lot of appreciation and stroke his ego in all of the right places.

He’ll be eating out of your hands.

This is not about spoiling men or being a doormat. This is about understanding what works for men. Men want freedom aka a woman’s baggage safely stowed away. Men want to have fun aka a happy chick who can get up and go. Men want unpredictable aka, they hate being bored. Most of all, men want a woman who wants to be herself not another version of Barbie or God forbid Ken.

When you date around without sleeping around while being an amazing woman, it puts you in the category of “genius” You are seen as intelligent because you are selective. You are viewed to have pride in yourself which ups your attraction. Men value women who aren’t easy and they secretly know that they can more than wait if they are really into you.

Don’t fall for the ridiculous nonsense about a man NEEDING sex to survive. If a man puts pressure on you for that, let him go and dip his stick somewhere else but not with you.

Sex For Life

One great aspect of men growing older is that they become slightly less obsessed with their own sexual arousal and need for sexual release. Now that his own need for orgasm is less pressing, my partner is able to focus on my arousal and can bring me to orgasm through using a combination of anal and clitoral stimulation.

As a young woman I was never conscious of my own physical arousal and my body appeared to be almost innert to any stimulation from my partner. Sometime around my mid-thirties, I found that my body went through a remarkable change – it was as if my body blossomed sexually.

Even intercourse became more sensual due to increased natural lubrication (still no arousal though). From time to time, my mind gets turned on now and I am conscious of the pelvic area behind the external clitoris being swollen and physically aroused (gross but true). For the first time, I was able to enjoy my partner arousing me via manual stimulation of the clitoris.

These physical orgasms are different to those I get from masturbation when I use sexual fantasies. They are often intensely pleasurable but the increase in heart rate and breathing as well as the sense of releasing sexual emotions with the subsequent relaxation are all missing.

“Orgasms vary, both between women and for the same woman at different times. We experience different qualities of orgasm depending upon the degree and kind of stimulation we receive and also on what is going on in our minds.” (p76 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)

Experts sometimes try to reassure women by suggesting that orgasm is unimportant. Unfortunately, once a woman is familiar with orgasm from masturbation, she tends to assume that the whole point of sex is the sexual pleasure of orgasm (just as a man does). It is only women who are unfamiliar with orgasm that think it is unimportant.

Female orgasm is important not only because women today want to justify their participation in a sexual relationship but also because men want their partner to be turned-on by sex. Men will only enjoy the best sex once women are given the information they need to enjoy their own sexual pleasure. Lack of orgasm represents a dilemma for many modern couples.

Men’s need for sexual reassurance

I told Bruce, the sexual psychologist I went to see, that in over twenty years of investing in my sexual relationship, the only orgasms I have experienced are from anal stimulation. Bruce, quite evidently thinking that I was being overly particular, asked unsympathetically: “So what’s your problem?”

“Anal intercourse is no longer considered to be abnormal and is enjoyed by many homosexual and heterosexual couples. As long as the decision is mutual and without coercion or guilt, most professionals believe that anal intercourse is simply another way for a couple to find pleasure with each other.” (p12 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)

Perhaps other less adventurous couples, who have made do with intercourse over decades, are more adept at using sexual fantasies. Perhaps other men accept a ‘lie back and think of England’ partner and use affairs to spice up their sexual fantasies. My partner wanted a lover who was positively engaged in sex and I have always considered faking to be humiliating. Some women do explore sexual pleasure, like myself, in order to keep a marriage (and family) together simply because men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal so that they can enjoy sex fully.

A man in his sixties, suffering from prostate cancer, was worried that he might not be able to continue to have sex. He was so depressed about losing his ability to become sexually aroused that he felt, without sex, life would not be worth living. Male sexuality, including sexual arousal and orgasm, represents not only a man’s masculinity but also his emotional foothold on the world. A long term sexual relationship provides a man with a strong sense of emotional well-being and fuels his ability to succeed in the otherwise emotion-less world of men.